Day 42: Gravity’s Pie Dough

Why is it that God can’t be bothered dispensing justice where it’s desperately needed – the sort of thunderbolt zapping you’d love to see visited upon any number of vile scumbags – but He’s there at my elbow to punish me whenever I try to cut a few corners?

Maybe God, like me, has trouble prioritizing. He’s made in my image, after all. Maybe He just can’t cope with the big picture, and chooses instead to focus on minutia. He gets a false sense of accomplishment from checking little things like “Persecute Missy” off His To-Do list .

God needs to subscribe to a few Efficiency Expert self-help mailing lists. He can buy e-books and attend podcast seminars and support affiliate advertising and learn just the right morning rituals to rock Himself to superstar eternal commercial success.

All it takes is a good gimmick and the gumption to swindle the misguided and gullible. God knows this very well.

But I digress.

I’m making a lemon meringue pie for Son #1’s birthday. I do not feel like making a lemon meringue pie. I decide to cheat. I buy a box of pre-fab pie crust (sorry, Mom) and a box of instant pie filling. I’m ashamed.

But not ashamed enough! God sees this shirking of maternal and moral duty and sweeps that fake crust to the floor the moment I take it from the oven.

I can’t even complain that it’s Job-like punishment. Job was innocent. I am clearly guilty.

So I am pissed, not penitent. I do not acknowledge the error of my ways. I do not get out the flour and the shortening and the cornstarch and the fresh lemons and start dutifully from scratch. I go to an overpriced bakery and buy a picture-perfect pie.

And it’s heavenly.