When I Saw Hair Standing There

What in God’s name is wrong with mankind? Besides the mundanities of murder, mayhem, and madness, I mean?

And I do blame God. Any shopkeeper worth his salt says, “You break it, you own it.”  We were created broken, and nothing much got mended during the last divine redemptive effort some 2,000 years ago.

Imagine no possessions — it’s easy, if you try.

Then, imagine all the misguided people who recently bid on a ratty old four-inch chunk of John Lennon’s hair. The triumphant winner paid $35,000 for it, three times the amount the Dallas auction house expected.

How could anyone justify paying thirty-five thousand dollars for the dusty 50-year-old floor sweepings of a German barber?

“Love Me ‘Do!” said John, post hair-cut.  Did he notice his shorn locks set surreptitiously aside, like souvenirs cut from the heads of the Victorian dead? Was he complicit in becoming a secular saint? Did he get a cut for providing a relic?

This, from the messianic figure who exhorted us to Comb Together?

It gets messier and more tangled.  Paul Fraser, the British dealer in memorabilia who scored Lennon’s tresses, will doubtless re-sell single strands at a premium and recoup his expenses many times over.  You, too, can buy a piece of a Beatle and join Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Haircut Band!

Visit Fraser’s website for the opportunity to buy single hairs from the heads of George Washington, John Steinbeck, Elvis Presley, Napoleon Bonaparte, Charles Dickens, Lord Nelson, and Geronimo!  At £399.00 each they’re a bargain, given the current exchange rate: $566.92.

I imagine there’s a really lucrative black market for public-personality pubic hairs. Our current obsession with furlessness (see, “manscaping” and “Brazilian waxing”) must ensure a steady supply. I can’t quite pluck up the courage to run an online search, though; we are what we google. Scholarly research on merkins is one thing. Looking to purchase one of JLo’s pubies is another.

Admit it – you just googled “merkin” (or perhaps “JLo’s pubies”). Did you find the Amazon merkin deal? A set of four (new, even) for just $8.95, billed as “downstairs toupees.” I’ve even linked to the the site – Mirth gets no kick-backs, but does get a kick out of sharing such opportunities with you. Always make sure your collar and cuffs match.

Dear Prudence, what on earth is the world coming to? Since when is hair clipped from Nowhere Man Justin Bieber worth more than hair clipped from John Lennon?  Fraser’s website also offers a plastic vial of 200 one-inch Bieber hairs (bottle cap initialed by Justin himself) for £35,000.00 (US $49,731.50).

That item qualifies for a layaway plan; We Can Work It Out.  And don’t despair if you miss that deal — Bieber visits his stylist one a month. He could retire and live off his own leavings.

All You Need Is Love – and a gimmick. I don’t suppose you’d offer me big bucks for a piece of Missy Mane? Yes, you may say I’m a dreamer.