Stoop, Kneel, Crouch or Crawl

So the district personnel department is reviewing the job description for the clerical position I hold.  I received the draft of the new version today.  They attached a “Physical Requirements” chart which I’d never before seen.  It lists various mandated activities and the amount of time thought necessary for me to spend upon them.

The big three are “Stand, Sit, and Walk,” each assumed to take 1/3 to 2/3 of my time.  I fear that “sit” should really be 3/3, but an evenly divided ratio would be healthier for me.  I must figure out how to carry my keyboard around like an accordion.

I’m expected to “Talk” and “Hear” over 2/3 of the time.  May I pick and choose when I don’t wish to speak or listen?  May I ignore the telephone if it’s my prescribed downtime?  Must I learn sign language in order to communicate during that deaf-and-dumb third of the day?

There are no requirements to “Taste” or “Smell.”  That must be to protect me from cafeteria food and from 1400 malodorous kids whose interpretations of personal hygiene vary widely.

“Reach with Hands and Arms” is gauged necessary 1/3 to 2/3 of the time.  No reaching for the stars in this job.

Then comes, “Use Hands to Finger, Handle, or Feel.”

Really?  Who wrote that phrase and thought it was OK?  Furthermore, it’s ranked as high as “talk” and “hear,” at taking over 2/3 of my time.    Does this not sound like a license for lawsuits?  Am I expected to sexually harass my co-workers for six hours a day?  Worse, are they given the same license to Finger, Handle, or Feel me?

It gets better.  “Stoop, Kneel, Crouch, or Crawl” is thought to take less than 1/3 of my time.  I assume that’s when I’m seeking help from higher ups or dealing with the irate public.

Under “Mental Functions,” it’s not deemed necessary for me to “Compute” or “Synthesize;”  they must know I was an English major.

I don’t seem to need “Negotiation,” either (see “Stoop, Kneel, Crouch, or Crawl,” above).

And lest you think I jest: